on satisfaction.
You know the scene: a glowing bride walking down the aisle with all eyes held fast, hearts slowing as the onlookers are captivated by her radiance. Yet none are able to behold her beauty quite as deeply as her groom, eagerly awaiting her arrival, & ready to relish in her grace, beauty, and love.
& yet there I was, standing in a bridal shop in a gorgeous gown, trying my hardest to keep glowing as he stared downwards at a piece of paper in his hand.
Not captivated.
Not enamored.
Not paying attention.
Perhaps it is my fault for breaking all traditions by bringing my groom and his two friends to experience my first fitting. Perhaps my expectations were too high as I pictured all of them starring opened mouthed at my beauty, toasting champagne to me, the bride of all brides. Perhaps it was the dress which he described as a mosquito net covered by a tight lace sweater.
Whatever it was, my tears swallowed my trying-to-be-radiant eyes with every gown. This ugly cry had “wedding dress mascara massacre" written all over it.
As the tulle lifted over my head, it got replaced with self loathing, doubts, and truthfully, hatred towards my beloved. The lies swelled up with the tears and I walked away gown-less and defeated.
After several tearful hours of breathing in the lies and out hateful “how could he’s”, I finally calmed down enough to realize the defeat I felt today is the same defeat I feel every.single.time I allow my identity to be founded in something other than Christ’s love for me. And by God’s grace alone, I found this verse:
“SATISFY US IN THE MORNING WITH YOUR UNFAILING LOVE,
THAT WE MAY SING FOR JOY AND BE GLAD ALL OF OUR DAYS.” [PSALM 143:8]
As with any season, in the midst of moving, accepting a new job, and getting married in 12 weeks, I have allowed my relationship with Christ to slip aside & in forgetting Him, I also forgot that:
God’s love is unfailing. It is in God’s deepest nature to be faithful in all circumstances with His grace & love for His children. Whether I’m in ordinary Tuesday yoga pants or in a wedding gown, God’s love and approval of me is constant.
God’s love that satisfies me. Not once, not occasionally, but daily. Similar turning down dessert when our hunger is fully satisfied by a meal, so should it be with God’s love. When I’m fully satisfied in Him, I am not tempted by needing my fiancé’s approval to give me worth or identity.
God’s love leads to joy. Not middle of the store ugly cry melt downs, but joyful singing and gladness out of a heart that is fully set on the Lord! Just as David danced like a fool in the streets out of gratitude and praise for our Lord, so should I spend each day worshiping Him in a similar manner acknowledging that His love is what brings deep-heart-level joy, not perfect wedding plans or making my man crazy in love.
God’s love is the foundation to our days. Just as the sunrise is the beginning of the day, so should relishing in God’s Truth be the start of our day. When I do not step out of bed onto the foundation His grace provides, my feet are sure to wander throughout the day. I’m always prone to wander, but chances increase the more I forgo my time prayerfully studying His Word.
